Archive for September, 2005

Free Money! Government grants! Matthew Lesko, in the flesh!

September 18, 2005

I met a minor celebrity on Friday. (I realize I am really stretching the definitions of both “minor” and “celebrity.”) I had just finished seeing The Exorcism of Emily Rose with roommate Gweep and lady friend Elizabeth, and we were walking through the lobby on our way to some fine Establishment of Liquor, when out of the blue my roommate screamed out, “Oh my God, Matthew Lesko’s right over there!” Being the Infomercial Expert that I am, I knew instantly that Gweep was talking about the Guru of Government Grants, the Prince of Political Pork, Question Mark Man himself, Matthew Lesko. Being the Gweep Expert that I am, I had a feeling he was referring to someone who either A) looked like Matthew Lesko or B) looked like a Question Mark.

This time, Gweep was telling the truth.

I turned and my jaw dropped as I beheld the numerous question marks, each one mysteriously backward on Lesko’s dual-toned flourescent suit. (Why they were backward I will never know. Perhaps it is so people can recognize him in their rear-view mirrors. Perhaps it is a statement about the backwardness of one’s ability to get FREE MONEY from the government.) I searched my pockets for my camera phone, and then cursed the fact that I didn’t have it with me. I asked Gweep if he had a camera phone. Alas, he only has the free Nokia Crapomatic 5000 that came with his service. I asked Elizabeth. Alas, her cell phone was also technologically deficient. That’s okay, I thought, I will just have to etch this moment indelibly onto the wrinkles of my mind. Together with my motley twosome, I made my way to Mister Question Mark, who was busy taking cameraphone pictures with his myriad admirers. I waited for my moment. It came within 10 seconds.

“Matthew Lesko!” I shouted.
He smiled his Question Mark smile. Gweep went up to him. “Matthew Lesko,” he said. Apparently the Question Mark mistook that for an introduction, assuming that Gweep’s name was also Matthew Lesko.
“Matthew, pleased to meet you,” Question Mark said to Gweep.
I continued. “Matthew Schwartz,” I said. I shook his hand, admiring the frames of his glasses, yellow like the Sun. “It’s great to meet you!”
“Thank you. Matthew again?” he said. I nodded. “Nice name,” he said.
I wanted to make a witty remark. I wanted to tell him I was planning to adopt a young Ethiopian refugee, and ask if there was any way the government would pay me $30,000 for his schooling. But Mr. Question Mark could not be bothered by such pedestrian questions. Before I had a chance to ask him anything, he turned and walked away, intriguingly alluring woman in yellow on his arm.

My twosome and I stood there, shocked and awed. (Well, Gweep and I were shocked and awed. Elizabeth doesn’t watch enough TV to realize the enormous significance of our encounter.) After a moment, we made our way into the night, Question Marks on our mind, and liquor in our sights.

To be continued……….